This Horrible Human Disease Called Love
by Faptorquest
Summary: So, I'm gonna attempt to write all of my favorite ships and stuff, even though I've never really written anything before. Yeah, this is gonna be painful to read. Rating may vary, by the way. {I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing.}
1. Fish Incancas Are The Best Incancas

Your name is Meenah Peixes and you are in denial. You absolutely refuse to come to terms with the fact that you're hopelessly in love with him. He's a scumbag, a player, and just an all around asshole. Really, you should feel black for him, but you just can't. He's just an idiot and he's so pathetic and you love him with all of your heart.

You're absolutely in love with Cronus Ampora.

You honestly can't believe this. He's a total douchefin, but he's handsome, and he's really cute when he's flustered, and-

No, Meenah, you can't keep thinking of him like that.

It's dumb, you know that he's just going to use you once you've pailed.

Yet, you still can't let him go.

It's been a human month since you've discovered your feelings for him, and you've come to terms with it. Hey, the worst thing he could do is say no, so you might as well fess up. Yet, it takes you almost on hour to start trolling him. It takes you an hour of staring at his user name to get a little bit of confidence. It takes you an hour to stop being a pathetic little _wader._

You know he has a crush on you, but you know for a fact that he likes Latula too. Thank god she's taken, or you'd have no chance whatsoever. She's always been at least a little nice to him when he wasn't around Mituna, so she has that over you. You're pretty damn sure that she'd never leave Captor for him, though. They've been together for as long as you can remember, and that skater would never even think of abandoning the broken little pissblood. You have mixed feelings about him. One second he throws all of the slurs he can think of at you, and the next he's repeating his apologies like a broken record player. You wish he'd have never sacrificed his brain in the first place.

Wait, what were you doing again? Oh yeah, you were gonna spill everything to Ampora. You were so busy thinking about your other friends, that you completely zoned out. Nevermind that now, you have a job to do! After a few more seconds of debating whether or not you should do it, you click on his trollian handle. There's no backing out of this now, Peixes.

–- cutlassCuller [CC] began trolling coolcatAquarium [CA] –

CC: yo douchefin

CC: i got somefin to say to you

CA: wvell wvell, i thought you said you wveren't gonna talk to me after last time?

CC: yeah yeah waterever

CC: just be fuckin searious for a sec cro

CA: alright, alright.

CA: so wvhat's going on, kitten?

Kitten. You hate that nickname so much. Not because it bothers you, like it used to, it's just because he calls every other girl that too. _Sickening._

CC: aight so dont you dare fuckin laugh at me or anyfin ocray

CC: i just wanna say

You don't respond for about a minute or two. You can't. You're too weak, you're too fucking scared even though you know he's so desperate that he'll say yes. But that's it, isn't it? You know he'll say yes if he really liked you or not, you know he just wants a lay. The whole thing is fucked up in your opinion, but you can't really go back now, can you?

CA: come on babe, you cant just leavwe me wvith a cliffhanger like that.

Babe. Somehow that makes you regret everything even more. You think that you're turning black for him, but you know you can't. You just want to cuddle this stupid, misogynistic asshole for as long as possible. What the fuck is wrong with you?

CA: come on girl, im not gonna leavwe until you spill

_I fucking can't_, you want to tell him. _I love you, and I can't even tell you that because I know you'll just use me then dumb me out on the curb like a bag of trash. _Love is a powerful thing, and it can definitely make even the toughest heiress crumble under it's fist.

CA: fine, wvhatevwer. Bother me wvhen you actually wvanna tell me.

CC: cro wait

CC: i actually got somefin to say aight

Oh no, here's the moment that you've been dreading. Don't mess this up, alright?

CC: i know this is shella dumb and you prawnbubbly wont believe me but

CC: i love you ocray

CC: i love you so fuckin much and i dont evfin know why

CC: its horribubble 3B(

Why the hell did you say that? You fucked up, you really fucked up. You quickly log of before he can respond, and shut your laptop. You then retreat to your 'coon and try to forget what just went down. To your surprise, it actually works, and you drift off into a dreamless sleep, as always. Hopefully, he'll forget about it too, and you'll never have to mention it again.


	2. Ravings Of A Choleric Cancer

{Humanstuck!Au: Karkat is a youtuber known for raging over the littlest things. Kanaya knows nothing about this.}

* * *

"...I LOST ALL OF MY FUCKING BUTTER THOUGH!"

_Oh, Karkat, what are you raving about now?_ You think. _It's two in the morning, he really shouldn't be up._ Peeking into his room, you see your longtime friend and roommate is raving about some dumb video game, and you guess he's having a pretty hard time beating it. You never really cared for them, for you're more into sewing and reading your vampire romance novels than some impossibly difficult video game for children. Still, you can't help but look in on your old friend.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, YOU WRITHING, BRAINLESS SHITCRISP!"

He looks terribly stressed out, and you begin to debate whether or not you should go in. Sure, Karkat was your best friend, but he usually doesn't like your attempts to comfort and coddle him.

"EAT SHIT, YOU FUCK!"

You sigh. Usually, he keeps you up all night just yelling, so you don't really know why you suddenly want to interfere with whatever he's doing now. But should you? You really don't want to make him even more angry than he is now.

"IS-IS THAT A FUCKING BUSINESSMAN SALAMANDER?!"

Yes, you really should. You walk into his messy room, coming up beside him. He doesn't seem to notice you, so you stealthily take the controller out of his hand. He immediately looks up at you, confused and enraged.

"WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE, KAN? I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A GODDAMN STREAM, GIVE ME MY FUCKING CONTROLLER BACK!"

A stream? What is he talking about? "Karkat, It Is Two A.M. I Request That You Stop Being So Loud At Once Before I Force You To Go To Bed. Understand?"

He immediately goes red, embarrassed that you're yelling at him in front of all of his viewers. "CHRIST, MARYAM, YOU'RE NOT MY FUCKING MOTHER." You take a look over at his screen, where what seems to be a chatroom is pulled up. People have already flooded it with teasing comments, but you don't care. You just really want to go to bed, since this is the fourth day in a row he's kept you up.

"I Do Not Care About Your Little Stream, I Just Want To Go The Fuck To Sleep. Is That Too Much To Ask?" He rolls his eyes, obviously not wanting to argue with you any further. It's a wonder how such an aggressive guy can be shut down by a stern motherly friend.

"FINE, I'LL TRY TO BE QUIET, OKAY? JUST FUCK OFF ALREADY." Hmph, he should really stop being so grumpy. You smile at him, and lean down, planting a small kiss on his cheek.

"Alright, Just Don't Be Up Too Long, Sugarbuns." You say as he goes completely red. Oh, this is wonderful. You think you might start interrupting his "streams" a little more often. You glace back at the chat. Yep, it's filling up with a new batch of teasing remarks, just as you thought. Yeah, you're definitely gonna have frequent appearances in his little streams.

"YEAH, OKAY. NOW JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE." He replies, snatching the controller out of your hand. You turn and smirk as you leave the room. You know that Karkat's going to try to get you back, but you don't care. He almost never succeeds, so you have nothing to worry about. Right now, you're just concerned about getting some well needed rest. You quickly abscond to your room and hop under the covers, curling up with a smile on your face. It only takes about a minute before Karkat starts up again, but you don't care. You're pretty used to it now, and you easily drift off to sleep.


	3. Lionfish

A/N: Yo this is based on a rp I had with a friend staring genderfluid!Meenah and Meulin and the game didn't heppen and Meulin never went dead (she still shouts because of her fangirllyness though) uvu

* * *

Your name is Meenah Peixes and this kitty bitch actually managed to surprise you.

AC: (= T ª T =) I'M SO SORRY M33NAH, I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING. NOW I'LL BE KNOWN AS THE GIRL WITH A BIG GROSS CRUSH ON MEW!

She just confessed her love for you, and honestly, you're a little confused. Didn't she still like Kurloz, or were they really just moirails? Either way, you decide to give her a chance, for you really don't want her to be sad.

CC: don't be pike that gill

CC: ill tell ya what

CC: ill give you a chance

CC: lets go on a lil date an if it doesnt work out it doesnt work out

CC: deal?

It's not much, but it's the best you can do. Besides, it's not like it'll hurt anything. Still, you're gonna end up taking her either way, for you're a wuss who can't help but feel sorry when cute girls cry. Still, you definitely do have a thing for Davey Buoy, but you'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

AC: (= ^ · ^ =) REALLY?

AC: (= ^ · ^ =) THANK MEW THANK MEW THANK MEW!

AC: (= `ω '=) SO WHEN DO YOU WANNA GO?

Oh, you didn't think about that. You're actually free almost all the time, but sometimes Her Imperial Radiance tries to make you go out and help people. You hate it, but you don't really have a lusus, so you have to deal with it if you want somewhere to live.

CC: i think im free tomorrow unless )(IR starts whinin at me again

AC: (= `ω '=) OKAY! OH, WELL, PURLOZ IS TROLLING ME ABOUT SOME SORT OF MESSIAH, SO I'LL S33 YOU TOMORROW AT LIKE, UH, ONE OR SOMETHING.

Well, that was abrupt. You're pretty sure that she's just saying that so she can go off and fangirl or start planning your date, but whatever.

CC: aight mang

CC: sea you later

CC: 3

You're such a lady-killer.

AC: (= ^ · ^ =) !

AC: (= ^ · ω · ^ =) S33 YOU LATER! 3!

-admirableCatnip [AC] ceased trolling cutlassCuller [CC] –-

Well, that's taken care of. Hopefully, you wont fuck this up too badly and break her heart, but seeing as you're... you, you probably will. Poor Meu, falling for such a flaming douche. You honestly can't help but feel sorry for her, but at least she didn't call for Cro or Tuna or someone like that. They'd probably managed to break her little heart faster than you, with Cro's constant flirting and Tuna's blatant douchebaggery. Or maybe you're just biased and they're not really as bad as you think.

Actually, scratch that. They really are as bad as you think.

Now this is the part where you'd contact your bestie, Roxy, and ask her how to not fuck everything up, but you can already hear Her Imperial Radiance knocking at your door. "Meena)(? Are you in t)(ere?"

You roll your eyes, already dreading what she's going to say. "of course im in here, i aint got nofin else to do."

"W)(ale, you have a guest. I think it's that Leijon girl who talks to you a lot."

You give her a weird look. You just got done talking to her, how is she already here? Well, her moirail lives really close to you, so you guess she was already at his hive when she confessed everything to you. "oh, uh, wow. thats, uh..." You don't finish your sentence and instead just push past your guardian, taking one of the sidedoors out and swimming up to the shore. There was Meulin, waiting by what you used to call the landbell.

"OH, HEY M33NAH! I'M SORRY FOR COMING OVER TODAY, PURLOZ REMINDED ME THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO STUFF TOMORROW! BUT I CAN JUST LEAVE IF YOU'RE BUSY OR SOMETHING..."

You smile at her. Oh, Meulin, so adorable and naïve and shit. You can't really get all pissy at her. "its aight meu. come on, let's go to some generic coffee shop or somefin." You climb onto the beach and offer to hold her hand. Hey, it's the least you can do.

She immediately looks a thousand times happier, and eagerly takes your hand. "OKAY! THERE'S THIS R33LY NICE PLACE BY MY HIVE THAT ME AND PURLOZ USED TO GO TO ALL THE TIME! IT HAS A BUNCH OF SOFAS AND IT SMELLS LIKE CATNIP AND..."

She goes on and on, not really caring if you're actually paying attention or not. You are, really, and the two of you begin to walk eastwards towards her hive and whatever little coffee shop happens to be there. You also have the sneaking suspicion that Kurloz is watching you and is giving you a thumbs up, but you honestly don't give a fuck. Right now, you're just trying to make your friend happy for at least a day or two, and that's really all that matters.

* * *

A/N: Yoooo, I'm actually starting to run out of ideas, so you should definitely give me some. If you do, then I'll give you like, an internet hug or something like that. Yeah.


	4. Araneus Gemmoides

A/N: Here, have a gross little NepVris thing since I haven't really been updating this as much as I should.

* * *

Your name is Nepeta Leijon and you think that you're going to die.

You're just about to meet your favorite youtuber, arachnidsGrip (also known as Vriska Serket) at vidcon, and honestly, you don't know if you can take it. She's absolutely perfect in your opinion, and she's really famous, being a part of one of the most famous youtuber rings of this generation. It's close to the end of the day, and you're the last one in line, so you waited quite a long time for this moment. Peering past the person in front of you, you can tell that she's really tired. Hopefully, she won't snap at you or anything, for she's known to have a temper. Or at least her character is. To be honest, you're terrible at telling what's real and what's fake when you watch their little skits.

After a few minutes, you're finally there, standing in front of her. The Vriska Serket, just as beautiful as you remembered. Yes, you do have a full blown crush on her, but it's not like you're ever going to be able to act on it. When you walk towards her, she smiles at you and for a second, you think you're going down. Before you can even stutter out a sentence, she starts a little conversation for you. "Hey there, cutie. Got somethin' for me to sign?"

You're pretty sure that you imagined part of that, but your heart still stops for a second. Nonetheless, you hand the blonde a "generic boy band" poster of her and the rest of the crew, Sollux, Terezi, Meenah, and Latula. She takes it and starts writing her signature in her favorite cerulean sharpie. "So, what's your name?"

It takes you a second to realize what she said. "My name's Nepeta. Uh, Nepeta Leijon." You probably sound like an idiot, but oh well. She writes down a little message and instead of giving it back to you, she flips it over and quickly jots down something. She then hands it back to you with a wink, and you're pretty sure that you're blushing. You quickly say thanks and then scurry away, for you're sure that if you stuck around you'd make a fool of yourself. You find your little group of friends (made up of your sister, your bestie, and your besties brother), you all go back to your hotel room. There's still one day left, and you guys are probably gonna spend it together and hopefully, AG will still be there.

On the way back, you flip the poster over, and you almost start fangirling right on the spot. There, in your favorite color, is your idol's number. You manage to hush yourself, for you don't want any of the others to see. They'll probably tell you not to text her or that she probably gave it to everyone or something. They weren't really fans of her, but you never really cared. Your idol gave you her number, and nothing's going to ruin that for you, not even your dumb friends.


	5. Sourpuss

**A/N: So here's a little highschool!humanstuck!genderbent!Katnep thing for Karkat-Is-Boss. (I'll probably end up making a sequel to this or something later.)**

* * *

"HEY CATFUCKER, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU."

Oh no, what could she possibly want? You turn around, wondering what the crabby girl would want. You two used to be good friends when you were thirteen, but after your crush on her started fading away, you two grew apart. Sure, you still said hi to her when you passed her in the hallways, but you never said anything more than that.

"Hm? What do mew want, Kitkat?" That wasn't really her name, but that's what everyone called her. Actually, you're pretty sure that no one knows her real name, and you guess it's better that way.

Her voice lowers when she gets closer to you. "Well I can't just tell you out in the open, dumbass. Come with me." She takes you by the arm and leads you away from your friends, who are cat calling as you get dragged away.

She leads you to the library, where there is only that weird librarian guy who preaches to almost everyone about everything. You heard that he's Kitkat's dad, but she always denies it. She leads you to the table farthest away from him, behind a tall shelf of books. She gestures for you to sit down before taking a seat herself. She says "Okay, fucknuts, I have this big goddamn crush on you, okay? I've had it since we were little, and I've just been dying to tell you ever since." her voice now a whisper, "If you don't like me back, then fine. Just don't tell anyone else, got it?"

You stare at the black-haired cancer. "Oh Kitkat, I didn't know mew felt that way! You should've said something sooner. I actually had a crush on mew since we were young too!" Well, that was half-true, but hey, it's better than pissing her off. "So, do mew like, wanna go on a date or something? I know this cute little coffee shop near my house if you wanna go there." Hey, you only have a minute until you're dismissed, so you might as well go somewhere close to home.

"Fine, whatever. But you're buying; I didn't bring any money, and I'm sure as hell not taking a detour over to my house before we go." To be fair, she does live on the other side of town, so that's reasonable.

"Okay! But you totally owe me fur this." You say with a wink. She rolls her eyes at you, and the bell rings. She immediately stands up and grabs your arm again.

"Come on, Nep, it's not like I have all day." You stand up and get your arm out of her grip, taking her hand instead. She rolls her eyes once more and leads you out to the school gates. "So, what's this place like?"

"Oh, well, my brother goes there with his friend all the time. From what he told me, it's has a bunch of sofas and is just a really nice place in general, but sometimes it reeks of weed, which explains a lot about its owners, actually..." You've never personally been in the place itself, but you do know that the Megidos run it. You're not really sure about Aradan, but you know for a fact that Darram is an avid smoker.

"It sounds pretty damn charming." The two of you walk along the sidewalk, books in one hand, and your mate's hand in the other. You know that it's a pretty long walk there, but you don't care. All that matters is that you're with Kit, and maybe you'll actually develop a new-found love for her rather than pretending to like her for her sake.

* * *

**A/N: Again, you guys should definitely give me some ideas as to what I should write next uvu**


End file.
